There’s not much shame in failing. The problem with failing is that you have to do something again if it was worth trying in the first place. Sometimes, you have to internalize a lot of costs because of the failure. That can be worse than shame, because then there is even more pressure to finish what you started.
I failed the bar exam. I paid for the prep class ($2000+). I paid for the extra rent for my apartment in Vermont ($800 per month). I paid to fly to Oregon ($$$$) and stay at the hotel for the bar exam ($$$). I paid for the bar exam ($625), and for the extra software so I could write my essays on my laptop ($125). It was not cheap, and now I have to do it again, but with less hope that I will pass. If you have to take the exam again, your chances lower significantly. But, I have turned in my bar application again, which was super easy the second time, and I included a check. That is really difficult, since I currently work as a volunteer intern and have no income. Did I mention I’m interning overseas and my BarBri books cost more to ship, I had to pay $50 for a notary to sign my bar application, and I have to pay a few hundred to get my BarBri books out of customs? Costly.
I hate it. I’m no longer downtrodden, but resigned. Did I put in enough effort the first time? How will I put in enough effort the second time when now, I have a job and there are other activities. This isn’t like last time when I had all day, everyday to sit and study, and had eight weeks after law school graduation to prepare. I don’t know that I can pass. My scores from the first exam weren’t actually that bad.
What I do know is that I’m not alone. Thankfully, some of my law school friends told me they didn’t pass either. I was surprised with who didn’t pass. I know they put in a lot of time, and they didn’t have the distractions that were so common to me. Maybe there’s a higher power directing this traffic of who passes and who doesn’t? Just like who lives and who doesn’t? It feels that way.
I know that the bar exam doesn’t have to do with how “smart” I am. It has to do with how well I can memorize and regurgitate paragraphs that should be triggered by certain key phrases. This makes me crazy. Why did I pay so much, twice now, to be tested on something I will never use in my practice? Also, at least in Oregon, where I am taking the exam, there is no state-specific law on the bar exam! I have a JD, I know how to analyze laws, and the way states interpret laws is so important to any case, so why is there this method for testing me on whether I am able of practicing law?
Of course, there’s the added problem of applying for “real” jobs. I’m interning right now, for what it’s worth, but what happens after I take the exam in February? I have no prospects for jobs, and I’m applying to jobs below my skills set, that pay less than my education is worth. I’d be very happy in a policy campaign job, and I cannot even try to apply to many attorney jobs. It doesn’t matter that I AM a lawyer. I am not barred anywhere, so I am basically NOT a lawyer. This is very depressing considering my education cost me a cool quarter million dollars. Ugh. I will have to sell my first-born child, who I won’t be able to afford, to pay my monthly student loan installments. I wish I had bought a house! I could downgrade from a house! Liquidate that asset! I can’t go back to just having a B.S.
3 Comments
Hey,
More people than you think have been there. I was. Luckily I had a non-legal job, but was an out of state student. In retrospect, my study habits were not great the first time. My life was chaotic, I didn’t have a good study group. If you made it through 1L, you can make it through the bar.
My second time I had just broken a bone and was coming off surgery, not in a good place again. My bosses and family were supportive–3rd time was a charm, and you realize your wisdom when you sit down at the bar next to a new grad who has no idea.
When I looked back at my own learning style, etc. and saw how the bar prep course I was using didn’t match up, I finally was able to figure out what to change. I ended up doing a statistical analysis of the bar and my scores and found the most common question types, etc.–I tried to explain that to family, who finally said in their mind it was that I finally became confident in my approach–I still feel I “cracked it” or at least partially.
The bar is not a test of law, it’s more a test of pressure and coping skills. Financials aside, stay healthy, positive and active. Exercise is your friend! 1 pair of running shoes is a great investment–panic is your enemy!
Job wise, try to find a part-time clerk job at a firm, or anything working with attorneys–receptionist, more to network and get the occasional life lesson from attorneys who have been through a lot worse than failing the bar (losing 5 year cases, failed marriages, being fired, and finding their own way back). When they see your persistence, they’ll be your best ally in the future job market.
Best of luck!
Thank you for the encouragement. I have just finished a fantastic internship abroad where I was a complete asset to my NGO, regardless of my bar-less status. Hearing about other people who didn’t pass the first time is helpful. During school, we are just told that “everyone can pass the bar.” When you don’t pass, you wonder what happened to that “everyone” bit. It wonderful to hear that just because I haven’t achieved “everyone” status, does not mean I am “no one.”
I feel ya. I passed the bar exam and have been looking for a job for eight months and cannot find anything. Passing the bar doesn’t guarantee employment.
And failing the bar exam is NOTHING to be ashamed of.
-J
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