I finally completed my oral argument.  It still seems like a year ago when my Legal Writing professor told the class about what Appellate Advocacy involved- which absolutely terrified me.  However, the argument went much better than I expected.  The judges were very friendly and their evaluations were helpful.  It was easy to forget about being nervous once the argument took a more conversational tone.  I am glad that I accomplished it, and I am also glad it is over with.

I am frankly at a loss for words this week. My mind is far too full of law right now to fit anything else.  No, I am not up till all hours of the night, but I feel as though my brain has reached its limit, which is unfortunate  given I have two more weeks of classes left. Though, its funny how retrospectively time flies.

Luckily, Thanksgiving is around the corner. Though I am not sure it is going to be the relaxing weekend I initially hoped it would be, I am confident that I will make something of the gift of free time.

Now that its getting a bit chillier I am not outside as much and I miss it. I really need to get on buying some cross country skis because I think I may go nuts if I stay indoors all January and February. Given my lack of balance I may settle for an old-school sled and find myself a hill somewhere. For now, mid-day walks are keeping me going but given my distaste for sub-40 degree weather,  I  imagine that those will only last till finals are over.

I think I may be lacking my usual cheer because I am not home for a family member’s birthday. I usually make it home to celebrate due to its proximity to Thanksgiving and I am obviously, not there right now.  Thankfully, video-chat has come a long way.

Fingers crossed, at least class today will be interesting.

Hard to believe we only have 2 weeks of classes left.  The semester went quickly.  I just hope my tests go well, and quickly too.  I am not used to taking several tests that are 3-4 hours long.  I have no clue how I am going to do the bar exam since it is 2-8 hr. days.

There are some days when I feel so unbelievably frustrated with school and classes and the law in general, that I want to scream.

And then there are those days that remind me why I’m here. These days remind me that there’s no where else in the world I’d rather be, and reassure me that deciding to go to law school is the best choice I’ve ever made. Even on those days when I’m frustrated, I never question my choice or regret my decision to come here. And that’s something that makes me feel incredibly lucky. I wake up and just feel lucky to be studying the law. That’s a new feeling for me, waking up every day feeling not just content with what I do every day, but excited to get further into it. I know it’s cheesy, but I wonder if most people get to feel something like this, this overwhelming sense that they’re doing the absolutely right thing with their life. I don’t say this in any attempt to brag that I have this, or discourage people who don’t feel this strongly about what they’re doing. I’m simply thankful that law school and I are such a good match.

My foray into the legal world reminds me of the best friendships I have. There are days where we’re completely in sync, but there are also days where we are incredibly frustrated with each other. The best friends I have, well, we’re not afraid to be mad or frustrated or annoyed with each other. That’s what good friends do–they challenge you to be better, to live better and make the best choices you can. But they also are there to pick you up when you’re down and to remind you that it’s ok to lean on people every once in a while.

I’m getting overly sentimental. Maybe it’s because I’m ready to see the family at Thanksgiving, or maybe it’s because I had a really great weekend that made me remember why I’m doing what I’m doing and where I’m going from here.

All I know is that I am so thankful for my friends. So this post goes out to all the people in my life that continue to support me every day: the one I met on a soccer field in 4th grade who is the closest thing I’ll ever have to a sister; the one who actually is my brother and who thoroughly enjoys egg mog, especially the kind that comes from the barn; the one I met in the funniest/worst/strangest Pop Culture and Religion class UNC has to offer (complete with an awkward jean shorts wearing, kidney stone having professor); the one named RACHEL NICOLE TOLER and who was there when I learned about just how many islands comprise the entirety of the Bahamas; the one who eats the fake corndogs; the one I spent hours with in a Food Lion parking lot trying on false teeth; and last but not least, the one who recently learned of the depth of my emotional ties to Carolina basketball and who was there to comfort me when we lost horribly Friday night, even though I’m pretty sure she thinks I’m crazy.

I love you all!

Apparently, there are only three weeks left before testing begins.  Us 1Ls have turned in our final memos and cleared the table for the review, outlining, and practice testing that will dominate the remainder of the semester.  It all seems so out-of-place.  It’s mid-November in Vermont and it’s been raining!  It’s probably 55 degrees outside right now.  The ski hills aren’t even substantially operational.  Yet, the prospect of finals looms, no less real, over Thanksgiving weekend.  I was told the year would be tough.  An older lawyer told me it would be the worst thing I had ever been through, knowing full-well that I had recently broken my femur.  Thankfully, it hasn’t been to atrocious as that . . . yet, anyway.  I have spent hours pouring over papers for passive voice, many more turning tissue-thin pages in the tomes of law, and a few exploring some alternative info sources.  However, I have still been able to get involved in a number of student groups, frequent the Freight House music sessions, and help put on a really fun show with Specific Performance (which is more or less a variety show by students, something I didn’t expect to find at a law school).  Actually, the night of Specific Performance was one of my favorites of the year.  I played guitar with a couple groups, others danced and sang, and I got to do a rendition of “A Boy Named Sue,” written by Shell Silverstein and mad e popular by Johnny Cash. 

Undoubtedly, my participation in these peripheral things borrows from time that could be spent studying and reviewing, but I firmly believe it keeps me sane.  Of course, without my sanity I would be useless in the  books and the classroom anyway.  There comes a point-sometimes once a day, sometimes not for weeks, and sometimes persistently-where work becomes unproductive, where the brain blurs and concepts, while still coursing through the cognitive channels, leave behind but the slightest residue of understanding. Essentially, this is the place where the brain ceases to function at a level capable of understanding new legal concepts.  This condition is largely unpredictable.  It can come at a certain hour of the night, when dinner wasn’t substantial enough, when the pace of a class slows to a crawl, or any other time.  I think it has a lot to do with the notion of a burn out.  Saturation is reached and the brain is no longer a solute for the jargon and ‘terms of art.’ 

I would like to believe that diverse and active involvement stimulates the brain more holistically and helps to avoid this sort of saturating paralysis, at least for me.  I realize that some are able to focus exclusively on something with inexhaustible endurance.  I, however, am a product of my culture; a peripatetic creature prone to restlessness and dissatisfaction.  Even in my long blocks of study I like to break up the subjects, to move between places, and to twiddle my fingers incessantly. 

I have not figured out how to best manage these tendencacies in my first few months here, but I have learned a bit more about them.  I am thinking about escalating my use of alternative study materials to fit with my wanting attention span.  Anyway, no one knows how well they’re really doing yet because there have been no finals.  Such is the torture of law school, much much work with no picutre of your progress.

I promised myself that I’d work really hard up to Thanksgiving so that I could really enjoy that break. However, I still have one outline that has been pitifully left undone, and another that is a shade of being a helpful tool.

Even the professors seem to be spazzing out about exams now. I have one professor who is giving his students a take-home exam for the first time. He assures us he just wants all of the exams to be typed, and that is the only reason for it to be take home, but to treat it like any other final. He doesn’t know how to administer it or receive it though. He has two weeks to figure out the administrative functioning of a take home exam. In another class, we just attempted a practice exam, and I did miserably. It wasn’t graded, and the professor doesn’t want us to even go over it with him, but it was very instructive. At least now I know what the professor expects for an answer. Other professors are doing the same thing.  I am trying to learn that even in failure, I am learning a lot.

I see so many other hollow-eyed students pass me in the hall. Where a month ago we would cheerily great each other, we now have too much in our minds to muster the strength to put on a brave face. We are all terrified.  I suppose it is a good terror. Stress and fear can bring about the best in people as a motivational tool. Before this week, I was passively aware of the intrinsic dangers of the tests here in school. I was doing the best I could (though now I realize I wasn’t really doing my absolute best), and I wasn’t even scared of my first graded midterm.  Why now am I so explicitly nervous of failure? I guess it’s the culmination. The final, or in many classes, the ONLY show of how much I’ve learned is coming. This is where my professors will tell me if I am “cut-out” for law school, or at least if I spent my thousand of dollars of tuition on my brain or just a couple of great weeks with some really smart people.

Wish me luck, it is crunch time, then the freak outs start.

It has been almost one birth cycle since I lept from the squishy insides of Vermont Law School.  Life, that’s what’s next. It is a total inversion of the spiritual and ethical soft side. You’ve spent three years connecting your faint imaginings, theories, and academic courage to safe haven solutions and understanding audiences. What should you expect next? Inertia.

Expect to be misunderstood, in part because you have lost the ability to communicate your understanding of the world in non legal terminology. Expect that you will be bruised by the seats in the library where you will study for the bar, and to then be bruised by the world as it whizzes past you while you wait to get licensed. Expect to feel every manner of emotion ranging from joy, to deep loathing, for the path you have chosen and the lengths to which you must go to continue on, to relief followed by vegetative and unproductive bouts of self pity, fits of crying, and general unreasonable and unsocial behavior. Expect a re-imaging, of the dreams that brought you this far. Expect that you will start again, at zero.

If all this is a tearing down than surely there is a rebuild.  Life after law school is time again for learning, but with your hands and heart. You will survive the mash up, only to be mashed again.  Learned mentors will shape your ragged skills sets and basic principles into a pathway and you will walk it with trepidation until you gain a footing. Be kind to yourself during this time of interviews, testing, articulation, and proof. You are only human.

It’s hard to believe that it is the middle of November already and Thanksgiving is nearly a week away. Today is the start of week 12 of 15. The apprehension of final exams are looming around campus. Excitement over Thanksgiving break is getting me through. I cannot wait to go home and relax around the dinner table with my family. It will be nice to take my mind off outlining and exams for a couple of days. As the semester is winding down things have been getting harder and more emotional but it’s the good days that get me through.

Last week I experienced the 2L Appellate Advocacy oral arguments. I volunteered to be a bailiff so I could see what I am in store for next year. It was a little nerve wrecking at first because I had to set up the room properly and set the tone for the “court.” The students that were arguing were nervous enough and I did not want to add any apprehension. After I got past my initial nerves I found the experience to be a lot of fun. I was able to talk with the professor and the judges. I am glad that I volunteered because now I know what to expect next year. The students were nice enough to let me stay and listen to the judge’s critiques of their arguments. The critiques were very insightful. I took note of the certain things that they criticized the students for. This will be extremely helpful to me next year when I have to face the judges myself. I highly recommend the experience to future 1Ls.

As of tomorrow I will officially be done with Legal Writing I! It will be nice to have some extra time to do more work. It is scary that I am happy to have more time to do work instead of just having free time. I never thought I would look forward to do more work. On that note I have to get to bed so I can get up early to read……..

I know it sounds weird, but I am getting a little edgy waiting for the snow. Maybe I am too excited about the prospect of having an actual winter. Also I seem to be harboring the irrational idea that the sooner it comes the sooner it will go away. I should just count my blessings and enjoy running on snow-free trails and walking to school without a ski mask.

I am a bit bummed that I won’t be making it home for Thanksgiving, but I have a few friends coming up and we will have a turkey free, but pie-full thanksgiving extravaganza…pie suggestions anyone? I am a firm believer that all things are better in pie form,  I’d say its the crust but I’m thinking it may be the triangular cuts as well, I loved geometry in high school.

I also am coming to acknowledge the very real possibility that I will REQUIRE a sunlamp to get through the winter, because a 4PM sunset just isn’t gonna do it for me.  On the upside I haven’t had to worry about sunburn once since I got here.

It’s hard to believe that the semester is almost over.  We only have a few weeks left.  I am nervous about tests.  I guess I don’t quite know what to expect.  The one exception is civil procedure since we had a midterm.  However, we will be getting a practice test for contracts tomorrow.  Hopefully, it won’t be too hard.