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More Lists: What I learned, and what I may never know

What a semester. It isn’t over yet; I still have two exams, but that will be the last of it. I’ve had a lot of rejection as I began my internship search earlier in the semester, and I’ve had some really great achievements, including a win in negotiation and a spot in Advanced Appellate Advocacy, aka Moot Court. I finally had a professor call me argumentative, and I’ve had a professor offer to write me a recommendation. I’ve been struck down through my writing skills, built up my my oral argument skills, and confused over my general legal analysis talents. I’ve overcome “no time” and accepted “whenever we can.” I’ve learned that I can’t be quiet, even when I have no voice. I learned that I can fight back against bullies, which I’ve rarely done before. I still prefer to back down, back out, but I now know I can only be pushed so far before I will partake in a the “civilized” fight.

And what a year! I know what it is like to cry for feeling scared sick over having no money and supporting two people. I know what it’s like to lobby against something I truly believe is wrong.  I know what it feels like to know I don’t need to lobby for that cause anymore. I know what it is like to feel despair. I know what it is like to feel disgusted. I know what it feels like to win, and lose. I can recognize true loss, but every year, I learn more about how to remember someone or something that I can never see, smell, hear, feel again. I learned what it was like to accept some things I cannot change, though I haven’t yet learned how not to grumble about it.I learned that four classes in one day means I will never be prepared for all my courses, no matter how hard I work on the weekend. I learned that the longer I don’t eat red meat, the more I can’t stand the idea of eating it.

I haven’t learned how to read for pleasure while in law school. I didn’t get an internship (yet). I don’t know how to accept all those things I cannot change. I don’t know how to fix my poor relations with my paternal grandmother. I don’t know how to make quick phone calls to dear friends. I still can’t eat green bean casserole or other oniony foods. I didn’t find time to walk my dog. I didn’t find time to get enough sleep and exercise and finish homework. I didn’t learn how to relax or spend enough quality time with my loved ones.  I didn’t eat enough vegetables.

But one thing I know for sure: I can’t wait for winter break!


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